might not be aware of this (given the fact that you probably don’t live in Australia), but on August 27, Katy Perry is teaming up with hyphenated frozen-treat magnate Baskin-Robbins to give everyone free ice cream!
I know! All you have to do is wander into any of B-R’s ice cream parlors in Sydney or Melbourne (Perth is, apparently, s— out of luck) on August 27 (which just so happens to be the Australian release date for Perry’s Teenage Dream album) and mention the singer’s name, and you’ll be rewarded with free “cotton candy” ice cream. This is especially brand-savvy, given the fact that Perry is seen wearing nothing but cotton candy on the cover of Dream.
And sure, I applaud that kind of synergy, but at the same time, the idea of Australians (or really, people of any nation) getting free ice cream sort of angers me. After all, we’re the U.S.A., we invented ice cream (I think) [Editor’s Note: That’s not even remotely true], and we deserve to get it free, no matter what. So I reached out to a spokesperson for Perry’s label, Capitol, to ask if the Baskin-Robbins promotion would be extended to our shores. A few minutes later, I was informed that it was “Australia only.” And now I’m filled with jingoistic rage.
Because, bottom line, what Katy Perry is doing is wholly un-American. By denying us free ice cream, she is also denying us our inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness (provided “happiness” means “free cotton-candy flavored ice cream”). And the last time I checked those were the basic tenants that this great nation was founded upon. Expanding our waistlines is our birthright. Not having to pay to do so is, too. We have a lot of birthrights. We’re American.
So I ask you, Katy Perry: What’s next? Will you be giving free cotton-candy ice cream to Al-Qaeda? Will your Baskin-Robbins promotion extend to Iran? North Korea? Socialist nations like Sweden?!?! Those people hate our freedoms. And by enabling our enemies, well, then that makes you our enemy too. You may have most people convinced that you’re a California Gurl, with skin so hot it’ll melt their popsicles, but not me. I’m on to you, Katy Perry. My popsicle shall not melt. These colors don’t run. Unless, of course, it’s to get some free ice cream somewhere.
(But seriously: Can I have some free ice cream?)